Beautiful Mayhem

My life is chaos. I mean like, disorganized, unscheduled, toys everywhere, dishes in the sink, chaos. The worst part is...lean in close for this one...I secretly love it!!! I mean, I waited a lot of years to have cheerios underfoot everywhere I go. I am so thankful for the little people in my home who are master mess makers. I love the running around loudness and the giggles and tickles and kissing ouchies and mess that comes with being a Mommy. I am totally comfortable with chaos. I don't however, love settling in for the night with my husband, trying to ignore the toys that are literally everywhere and the guilty feeling about my disgustingly messy house before we go to bed at night. I wish for a secret cleaning fairy to appear each evening and put everything in it's rightful place.

The problem is three-fold:
First, my husband DOES NOT like chaos. He likes to have every single surface absolutely clear ALL OF THE TIME!!! I think if he were still a bachelor it is quite likely he wouldn't even have furniture because it would clutter up the floor. I am constantly begging to have another child and my poor sweet husband can't even stomach the thought of that. More children = more chaos. I say, bring it on! He says, shoot me, now.

Secondly, in order for that cleaning fairy to put everything in it's rightful place each night, everything would need in fact, to have a rightful place. That's kind of the main problem. Our chaos is so out of control that I literally don't know where to begin. I constantly buy random rubbermaid bins to solve the "play doh" chaos or the art supplies chaos, but then I don't have room in a closet somewhere to house those bins and they end up sitting under our counter in the kitchen so now I have "bin" chaos.

Thirdly, I am not proud of my mess. Everyday I wonder when I am going to get this area of my life under control. Each day I fail to do that and this causes some significant inner chaos as well. I'm not proud of shoving everything in closets when people come over. I'm not proud of the fact that last Friday I literally filled up 3 garbage bags full of stuff because people were coming over in 20 minutes and I had no time to sort/organize/clean-up so I filled up exactly 3 trash bags and shoved them in an already full closet. Classy. Chaos. I just don't know where to begin. If it was someone else's house I would know exactly what to do and in what order. In my own house however, I just can't be bothered to do it. When I get overwhelmed by chaos I just have a tea party with my daughter or take the kids outside to enjoy some outdoor activities while I frantically throw things in closets :-). See. I'm a mess.

 The truth is, it obviously hasn't bothered me enough to motivate me. I will choose fun EVERY SINGLE TIME over doing something SOOOOOOOO boring as straightening up my house. I literally hate it. I takes away from precious play time. I become horrified at my house from time to time (particularly right before company comes over) but by the time they leave I'm on a social high and not even stepping on toys in the hallway can bring me down. If cleaning was a social activity, I would have the cleanest house this side of the Mississippi. Cleaning is a solitary endeavor and therefore, not my thing!

I have significant fear however, that I am doing a terrible of instilling responsibility in my children. I do not want them to grow up comfortable with mess. I grew up in a very clean home as did my husband. I want them to be proud to invite their friends over. Please understand, I am not a hoarder, my house is not disgusting, it's just cluttered and I've had enough. Today is December 17th, 2013 and I am officially deciding that this is the last year of a chaotic house...at least as far as things that I can control are concerned. I am 38 and a half years old. Wouldn't it be great if before I was 40 I could stop wondering when I will get this area of my life under control? I also have a sneaking suspicion that this will have some influence in other areas of my life that need control. If I get in the habit of self-discipline in this area, I will be exercising some greatly atrophied self-control muscles that I could use in so many areas...eating habits, exercise, quite time with Jesus, the way I speak to my husband, and so many more. I honestly don't know where to begin. That is what has kept me from starting. I use my 1 and 4 year old's as an excuse but the truth is, if it was a priority, I would make the time. So, today I decide that it is a priority. I don't know where to start, but I choose to dive in anyways. One drawer, one closet at a time. I just need to do it. I'm going to organize my chaos and live to tell about it.

Wish me luck!

Still on the throne

I've had an awful week at work and it's only Tuesday. I have feared that this week would be difficult for a while and it exceeded my expectations. I won't say more than that because even though I haven't really shared this little blog with the world yet, I don't want to risk my big mouth getting me in trouble.

Let me just say, I love my job and I love the people that I work with. I love that I get to spend my work days doing something I truly believe in and I believe that my efforts are for eternal good. But sometimes it's still incredibly hard. I went part time after Finley was born. I only work two or three days a week and I get to be home with Finley which is an incredible blessing that I really didn't think would be possible. I love, love, love being home with my sweet girl. It's my dream! It's the job that I live for and my other job is just my work. I love my work though and I've invested 12 years because I'm passionate about it. It's been a hard week and I feel discouraged. The deep down kind of discouraged.

I have a silly saying that I've become a little bit "known" for. When things get tough or I feel like I'm a bit at the end, I always say "Jesus is still on the throne." It's a good little cliche to help gain some perspective. To be honest, I usually say it a bit trivially, like when I fall in love with a pair of shoes and they don't have my size or when I drip hot sauce on my pants. I obviously say it quite a lot because I have quite a few friends who've started saying it too. I don't want it to only be cliche. I truly want Jesus to be on the throne in my life. I want that to be the thing that keeps my life in perspective. Jesus is still in control. God is still God regardless of the climate of my life. My life has held deep wounds, but my God is deeper still. He is still God no matter how deep down discouraged I feel. He is in control. Always.

Two things I know:
It's been an awful week.
Jesus is still on the throne.

Delicious!

I had a great friend over for lunch on Thursday and I felt inspired to make one our favorites:

It's one of Barefoot Contessa - aka Ina Garten's amazing recipe's. It's the perfect lunch and I occasionally add chicken and serve it for dinner. It's the perfect all in one meal, combining protein, carbs, and veggies all in one dish.

Of course I served it with a french baguette (I never miss an opportunity to squeeze in some bread with fresh salty butter!) and to drink we simply had water served in a pretty pitcher with ice and a sliced blood orange. Refreshing and beautiful! I made a lemon cake in a bundt pan with a simple glaze of powdered sugar and lemon juice. It's pretty much sinful it's so delicious! It was so tasty we ate it for dinner that night too. I have probably made this 20 times and not once have I ever thrown even one tiny morsel of it away. We eat it again and again until it disappears. That's my idea of a successful recipe!

Ode to 2010

I can't even began to process the happenings and emotions of 2010 in one blog post but in an effort to recap I figured I would highlight some key moments of last year.

In 2010:

• I struggled to watch my born too early daughter fight for every breath, and fight for her very life.
• I fought with doctors that I loved and respected to try new and un-tested methods to teach her to eat so that I could bring her home.
• I prayed more than I ever have in my life.
• I felt more fear and hope simultaneously than I could have imagined possible.
• I was wheeled out of the hospital with my arms full and my heart overflowing as I took my beautiful, perfect, miracle home.
• I got spit up on, pooped and peed on, and lost hours and hours and hours of sleep and realized that even miracles are exhausting.
• I heard my baby laugh for the first time and I was awestruck.
• My cheeks have hurt from laughter more times than I can count.
• I kept meaning to get more done. I dreamed of cleaning more, organizing better, cooking more, sewing more and exercising more.
• Instead I laughed more, hung out on my floor more, snuggled more, sang more, and got more slobbery kisses than I could have ever wished for.
• After 11 years I stopped working full-time and became a part time employee and full-time Mom.
• I am still figuring out how to do a good job at both.
• I sometimes miss my "career" but I would trade a thousand careers for the chance I have now to be home with my girl.
• I missed my son desperately.
• I learned that sorrow and joy are not mutually exclusive.
• I watched my husband become a Dad and I have never loved him more.
• I watched my parents become grandparents and they are perfect.
• I learned that I serve a God who is trustworthy in times of sorrow, and in times of joy just the same.

I am thankful that 2010 was better than the year before, and am looking forward with great hope toward 2011.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

We decorated our house for Christmas tonight and it was so much fun! Technically this is Finley's second Christmas but it is her first Christmas at home. Last year she spent Christmas in the NICU. In fact, Christmas day a year ago was the first time my Mom got to hold her. She wasn't stable enough before that to be held by anyone other than Brian and I but that day was a really good day for Finley and the nurse offered to let my Mom hold her. My Mom cried and cuddled that baby for an hour. She had prayed for so long to be a Grandma and for so long for that baby specifically. It was such a special day.



Here's my Mom holding Finley for the first time...


It has been almost a year and seeing these pictures still brings tears to my eyes. I just can't believe how far we've come since then. Truthfully, most days we just enjoy our sweet girl and live in the moment. Seeing these pictures really reminds me of how freightening those days were. I didn't decorate for Christmas at all last year. I didn't even do any baking (!!! Shock! Horror!) I spent every possible moment in the NICU. God is SO good to us. We are so very thankful to have her home with us this year and to celebrate Christmas as a family.

I've had visions of picking out our first tree as a family and the pictures we would take. I dreamed of decorating and showing Finley every single ornament as we placed them on the tree. Yeah, it didn't happen anything like that. We went to lunch after church and then straight to Home Depot to get our tree. Finley fell asleep in the car on the way there. By the time we arrived, it was pouring rain. I put her in the stroller asleep and covered her up...ran to the lot to pick out a tree with Brian, ran back to the car to get her out of the rain. We got a small tree this year (4 feet) so that it could sit on our side table and off the floor. She's not old enough yet to understand the word "no" so I figure I'd be better off just eliminating the temptation. By the time we got the tree upstairs she had a melt down and had to go to bed, so...I decorated the tree while she was sleeping and can't get a good picture of our little tree to save my life.

I am quite proud none the less. I LOVE any excuse to decorate my house so I'll try to get better pictures tomorrow. I'm officially in the Holiday spirit! I can't wait to start baking!!!

First Post

I've been hoping to start a blog for so long now. In the last year and a half I have felt that I had oh so very much to say. I fear that now that I have started this blog, I will have nothing much to say at all!

So for my first post I'll simply share a line from Leonard Cohen's "Anthem" that inspired me today.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

I need that reminder today. I spent the day today cleaning my house. I am overwhelmed by how very little I've managed to get done since Finley was born. We live in a very small condo with a very active little 1 year old. She requires constant supervision and has decided that naps are optional. So, needless to say, my house is a disaster zone just about 100% of the time. My Mom watched her today for me so that I could spend the day cleaning. I am ashamed that I have to have a babysitter just to clean my house, but it's true! It was SUCH a good day! I didn't realize how much I needed a day to myself. Of course it would be a dream to have a day to get a pedicure, see a movie, etc. but it was great to turn the music up, and tear through my house with a vengeance! I made great headway and I feel unbelievably better about life in general. So, life has cracks and I'm not perfect and I'm thankful for a God that gives me grace and hope.

Speaking of hope, here's a glimpse at God's gift to us. Delightful!